April 2011
2 posts
The same sameness
Of flatliners gone
Trends of rituals
Develop by one.
Here. Going where exactly? He who knows.
January 2011
5 posts
Doors to open..... hello.
A new beginning, and a new change with some forgiveness in the form of Rajs’ arrival today…… this time there will be a meeting arranged. Thank goodness for the links of technology and how it reaches out and connects us. Some connections are made to last, and this is one I will treasure to hold on too. At lest, the conditions are realistic, without the false hope of the last...
I feel I am becoming ready now.
Strange endings, closed doors.
The twists and turn continued for the reminder of the week - bizzare in its representations of the last year. Some encounters remained in my mind, others were strange and true linking real with false, old with new. One an old flatmate of my sisters, the other a border with himself - how close they had been to those in my life, and how they had come into my present. And within this, there...
December 2010
3 posts
The other will be discussed later. Strange, how I had no desire to take any photos while on that particular trip… the subconscious may have been at work, without me even being aware of it! The powers that be.
Him who went.
Does it feel like my lost? Yes it does!
Was it self inflicted? Yes and No!
We both brought it on, unintentionally.
Past became merged with the now.
The future, a distant grasping lull.
Present living, you said constantly.
Impossible, with loss inside alive.
A loss of those not lived.
Of desire to change, to ignore it.
Yet, no matter what, it remained.
And with it, a love was gone.
Flown...
The complicated dilemmas are slowly disappearing, on their own accord. One has definitely moved on, and truth be told, it really hit me hard, much harder than anticipated. Somehow I wish I had changed yet the gnawing, internal pressure was constantly there, as knowing, knowing, a creation would not occur. Perhaps if contentment had of come because of the love there, yet I know this is futile...
October 2010
5 posts
It is going to be a magic trick...
not pulled out of the hat, yet pulled from inside.
The good and the bad of it...
Through conversation with a friend last night, it really became apparent the similarities, and how those changes have to come down to ourselves. I like the idea of being free, yet at the same time, recognse that control is also necessary, because in certain aspects of life, the control brings its own freedom. As it is not a question of turning things round, just a question of when, I wonder if...
September 2010
17 posts
Reading...
… it either takes me it, comes in phases, a joy to look forward, and then strangely, it also leaves me, and there is an absence, a non interest and a void. I welcome it back with The White Tiger, and hope it takes me with it.
In the kitchen this evening, making soups, in welcome to October. Breaking old habits may be hard to do, but its not impossilbe, and oddly normal - how strange that would be.
I have got to be where I was....
Feeling more upbeat, for no particular reason, it comes and it goes, and when it’s here, it is worthwhile, essential, to embrace it. To make effort, to take steps, to evolve and perhaps, to leave somethings behind.
Inside, there is life continuing and feelings of it amass. As September waves goodbye, it may be with no regret. Some work is essential, and it will be done.
So often, we visit places, and they become distant memories, far off adventures. Then, there are the other times, when they come home and stay with us, which, to me is the essence of traveling. One such place was the Joan Miro Fundacio in Barcelona in August, which inspired me to pick up a paintbrush and mess around with paints again. After so many years of rejection, the colours of what can be...
I am not allowing myself to go down the old road…. you know, the one. To be prevented at all costs.
Self pity - how does it get in, evolve, and breathe alive?
Walking....
it will continue, despite the three degrees temperature on display.
Dreams of the subconscious kind.
They remain vivid, alive, and revealing, perhaps they are part of the process, the clearing away, the new beginnings, or at least the feeling of them in the air. The dreams, the link to the past, yet very much to the present.
It’s been a while as I return from my Summer hiatus. Hiatus of a kind, where he came, he went, he came back again, and now is gone again, just like the bright Summer sunshine. Now I look upon changes, and where they can be made, even if they need to be made, and the biggie, how are they made! We know how, action is always another matter. Some tasks were accomplished during the Summer, hence...
June 2010
14 posts
Meeting up with an old friend after six years since our last reunion - it took me away, and brought me back to the present.
The subtle difference was noticed since take off from Dublin on Sunday. Very slight, ever so delicate the strands are being undone. Less of the usual meanderings, and no indications of much more, or much less. Yet certainly, on my behalf, there are no moves. It’s good to live a fantasy true, yet oh so sweet, the taste of nonchalance.
Does it start to feel rentlessness? I am beginning to think and feel so.
The where did it all go wrong line...
One of the worst thoughts, is where did it go all wrong line. Somebody said this to me, the other day, and how easy it is to come up with irrational thoughts of this nature. It originates because in comparison to others, they don’t see themselves reaching the same milestones or “achievements”. It doesn’t mean it has all gone wrong, as long as, and they are surrounded by a...
Back to...
Reading and back into the focusing on myself…. so easy to avoid and to lose vigiliance of oneself… and yet we need to constantly tap into there, to try to get to those unobtainable places which are readily obtainable. Being lazy only results in confusion, cirles, non growth, and it even brings its own type of resistance - the one where we resort to those familiar behaviours, some (or...
I know he is ok.
Bank Holiday.
Is there a necessity to be up to something exciting and wild on a Bank Holiday Weekend…. where did they come from anyway? Does the use of the work “holiday” on these particular weekends inspire others? And since I don’t have them in the normal scheme of work, I guess particpation is not a requirement either…. quiet it will be instead.
Mystery of others...
A friend whom lives in France, sent me a postcard from Stockholm. Yet funny, when he was there, he never mentioned it in his texts messages. Now is it a male or female thing, that they forget to say it their whereabouts, or a sign of whom they really are…. I wonder.
Stuck in between two goalposts...
… one of whom I have to avoid, the other of whom I have to meet.
Writing elsewhere.
I have been in more of the handwriting frame of mind these days - I suppose it is more portable and fluid than sitting in front of a notebook. Somehow the deteoriation in my handwriting is not suprising as nobody is telling me how to write, instead I do it as I feel, even without the dot on the i’s. Who knows them for one’s own exclusive writing?
Fireworks... oh please not.
Oh gosh, I hear fireworks outside - yes it is the bank holiday but when did that because a cause to celebrate with noise? Am I part of it or not? It reminds me of a night in Nice when the firework display was tremondous and yet, all I felt was the cold, whilst standing at the beach, waiting for a hand to reach out. It never did!
May 2010
27 posts
Circles, circles, everywhere...
